Blah Blah Blah: The story of another fuckup

In the words of John McCrea, "Friend is a four letter word, end is the only part of the word that I heard." There is no end to the pain that comes from hearing the words, but it is worst when your actions and words were a big part of the problem. How can you truly express yourself to a person, who on countless times has mentioned the word, as if it were to make it better? I wonder how people believe that its easy to get up and move on. For me it is a pain because no matter how much I try to move on I can't. I linger in the moment when I hear the dreaded word, because it is never just once in a while, but every single time. I had recently revisited a theory about relationships between man and woman, and in all seriousness I believe it to be 100% percent true. I just don't want to believe that it is all the world has to offer.

I do understand that I went overboard on what I had told the girl. But you tell me when you been after the same person for 3 years, wanting to know as much as I can about her. I learned many things about her past, and present. Things I had wished I had never even heard. Estimate on number of guys she had been with, pregnancy scares, losts. Hell, one guy even went up to me at some random fucking party and told me he had slept with her twice. What kind of expression do you think I would have taken from something like that... Any normal man would have thought the girl was easy, treated her like shit, and probably ripped and dip. But not me... no sir. I decided to suck it up keep it to myself and try to change for her being someone she could probably enjoy being around. Little did I know that in reality she was showing me a new side of me that should have been out many years ago.

As the time passed I made the mistake of asking her out, inviting her to movies, paying for them and giving the tickets away because something always seemed to have come up. Fun fact, I'd end up giving them to her friend so she would enjoy them instead. You would think that by the second time I would have given up... yeah idiot. But then I started to notice something very interesting, she loved the attention I would give her if I talked like I was some "perro". Shyness has been a big factor in my life, and with this I slowly began to change.

It is now the end of the second year, and shit hits the fan. She starts spending more time with my brother, a guy who has no respect for anyone but himself, a total asshole with no morals whatsoever. This sparked into my mind things that even till now I have no answer to because its just weird that a guy goes to a girls house at 4 in the fucking morning and gets back home after 9. And yeah the fact that she seemed like a total "puta" did not help. I do have resentment toward my brother, but that could have easily been figured out if you read my poem called "Brother's Sin." And while we are talking about poems, read "Meeting" probably my most descriptive poem inspired by her. Anyways I snap and get her out of my life cause I didn't want to deal with this at all.

Third year and the beginning of the end. I talk to her again and this time I tell her how I feel. All while always getting courage to talk to her while being drunk. And to all drunk txters, iphone autocorrect is good but sucks ass when you try to curse. And then I heard it, the most dreadful line I could hear. A knife with the words, "I love you as a brother not a lover." Yeah I sucked it up thinking that I could survive being her friend but it turns out that isn't the case. Months pass and our conversations seem to heat up. Sex becomes a factor, dreams become more frequent. The girl is a tease and a damn good one. But I didn't complain I loved it, she was turning me into something I had always wished I was. Giving me confidence in what I could do to please her.

But we all know how this turned out or I wouldn't be writing this right now heh. I have one major flaw, I don't know when to keep my mouth shut. All this pent up emotion, lust, and whatnot mixed in a blender with a few shots of tequila, brought out of me what had to have been the most sexually oriented piece of writing I have ever made. And I mean seriously the things I said were not me at all. Well she didn't like it. And for what could be the last time I get them words from here she said, "I just want to tell you that I'm flattered but we're just friends. That message really scared me not gunna lie." My reply... "But I'm going to be honest I can't be your friend. Since I don't want to bend my friends over and fuck them." (I have to thank the creator of the ladder theory for that line, I couldn't help but use it.)

But no I never leave it there. She wanted to continue the friendship, and had I been back before I met her, I would have probably fallen for that shit again. But no, I learned that this was unhealthy. The sex dreams, always wanting to make her happy, not worrying about my own emotions, all while listening to her talk about other guys, how good looking they are, and whatnot. I do regret this just a bit, but now there is no point in fighting it. It's done. She brought me to new heights. Made me realize that I am a fun person, with a sexual drive (yeah thought I had lost that for a bit), who is willing to go the distance to please. And most of all, she made me realize that I can't play games with people, I need to stand up and show my true colors up front. So yeah FUCK this friendship business. So my advice to everyone, don't belittle yourself, there is a hidden animal deep inside just waiting to come out. So try hard and be honest to yourself and the person your trying to get with. Once you hit the whole friendship zone, its almost impossible to jump across.