Completely Out of the Ordinary Post
I need to catch up with all the stuff that has happened to me as of late. First off I have to say that I am probably the dumbest individual right next to Gus and Daniel. But more on that later, lets talk about my love life first. None existent... I had 4 girls in my life who I could honestly say I am/was crazy over. Lets work our way chronologically up the ladder.
First the one that is probably the cause of all my traumatic experiences, and the one I will probably never get out of my head cause she is in my eyes the one who still holds my heart. Got to love how the first one never seems to leave. Then there is the attraction I have towards a girl who has been in a relationship with one of my acquaintances for more then 3-4 years, but the guy is a dog, she does feel something for me, but since she loves her boyfriend nothing will ever happen. The fact that she lives on an island far the fuck from me doesn't help either. Then there is... The one that has managed to prove my mother right. Fuck I wished I never had to say that once. No matter how attractive you are, if you have a negative attitude in life, people will avoid you and lose interest in you. Seems we do smell failure, depression, and the lack of wanting to do something for ourselves, and that just doesn't fly when it comes to an emotional attraction.
Now the last one on the list is the most interesting of all. As I have already figured out I am not bad when it comes to writing poems, yeah a little gay I know. I have written a few if not all my poems about women, my hopes and dreams with them. But not once I have ever written one as vivid and full of lust as this one. Sadly the fucking thing ended up foretelling the future, in the end I woke up alone. She is a great person, full of life, a little on the crazy side but we all are, and has a two things I have yet to see in someone that I have gone ape shit for, if she has something to say she says it and we have very similar taste. Now where did I go wrong? You could say I was slow, and all together just not on the right state of mind, or maybe just over-read the situation and became one sided. But basically Someone else beat me to the punch. I would love to say I am going to move on from this little set back, but fuck there is just something about her.
Now to me being an idiot. I am finally putting some thought into the events I have been part of. And I can officially say that I am like that retarded guy people deal with but don't want him around because all he does is cause some sort of problem. Think Lennie Small from "Of Mice and Men." Now who plays George in my fucked up version of the book? I am going to have to say Chris. He is actually 100% that character. Now why do I say that? Well its like this, if it wasn't for him I would have probably done the one thing I would forever regret and never be able to take back. A one way ticket to become compost . He has been by my side ever since that day we met in a computer programming class that was taught by Mrs Charters. Anyways Somewhere around 11 years of friendship. After carefully assessing this time, and know what not just my friendship with him also my relationships fall under this. I have done more harm to this person by pure impulses, then anything I could do to someone out of spite.
It eats me up inside to know that I am in reality not good for anyone around me. Even after knowing that these people have never once wished some sort of misfortune on me. Sadly I also realized that if I don't want to end up like Lennie and I don't mean dead by the hands of my guardian, but more like causing loneliness, sadness, and just plain regret to anyone in my path and then later have them wanting to save me from wanting to put me to sleep to save me from feeling a more horrible kind of pain. Yeah you can thank my damn 11th grade English teacher, Mrs. McIntyre (Fuck don't remember how to write her name), for drilling that book into my mind, but it shows the struggles we all eventually go through, so not a bad experience.
I am writing this mostly to get things off my chest but also to apologize and say goodbye to one person in particular, and all the people he has managed to bring into my life. Had it not been for him I probably would have been worst then I am now, and I am one hell of a social late bloomer, hell still haven't come out of my shell. I am still wondering if this is the right thing to do, but I am running out of options as like I said all I do is bring him more issues then anything else. I sometimes wonder why he has put up with me this long, and the only answer I give myself to stop the drilling is that he probably sees me as a younger brother who can't help but make mistakes. Well I am out, I need to wash my face as writing this has caused salty liquid substance to come out of my eyes and nose. Plus I need to vegetate with WWII.
