Blah Blah Blah: The story of another fuckup

In the words of John McCrea, "Friend is a four letter word, end is the only part of the word that I heard." There is no end to the pain that comes from hearing the words, but it is worst when your actions and words were a big part of the problem. How can you truly express yourself to a person, who on countless times has mentioned the word, as if it were to make it better? I wonder how people believe that its easy to get up and move on. For me it is a pain because no matter how much I try to move on I can't. I linger in the moment when I hear the dreaded word, because it is never just once in a while, but every single time. I had recently revisited a theory about relationships between man and woman, and in all seriousness I believe it to be 100% percent true. I just don't want to believe that it is all the world has to offer.

I do understand that I went overboard on what I had told the girl. But you tell me when you been after the same person for 3 years, wanting to know as much as I can about her. I learned many things about her past, and present. Things I had wished I had never even heard. Estimate on number of guys she had been with, pregnancy scares, losts. Hell, one guy even went up to me at some random fucking party and told me he had slept with her twice. What kind of expression do you think I would have taken from something like that... Any normal man would have thought the girl was easy, treated her like shit, and probably ripped and dip. But not me... no sir. I decided to suck it up keep it to myself and try to change for her being someone she could probably enjoy being around. Little did I know that in reality she was showing me a new side of me that should have been out many years ago.

As the time passed I made the mistake of asking her out, inviting her to movies, paying for them and giving the tickets away because something always seemed to have come up. Fun fact, I'd end up giving them to her friend so she would enjoy them instead. You would think that by the second time I would have given up... yeah idiot. But then I started to notice something very interesting, she loved the attention I would give her if I talked like I was some "perro". Shyness has been a big factor in my life, and with this I slowly began to change.

It is now the end of the second year, and shit hits the fan. She starts spending more time with my brother, a guy who has no respect for anyone but himself, a total asshole with no morals whatsoever. This sparked into my mind things that even till now I have no answer to because its just weird that a guy goes to a girls house at 4 in the fucking morning and gets back home after 9. And yeah the fact that she seemed like a total "puta" did not help. I do have resentment toward my brother, but that could have easily been figured out if you read my poem called "Brother's Sin." And while we are talking about poems, read "Meeting" probably my most descriptive poem inspired by her. Anyways I snap and get her out of my life cause I didn't want to deal with this at all.

Third year and the beginning of the end. I talk to her again and this time I tell her how I feel. All while always getting courage to talk to her while being drunk. And to all drunk txters, iphone autocorrect is good but sucks ass when you try to curse. And then I heard it, the most dreadful line I could hear. A knife with the words, "I love you as a brother not a lover." Yeah I sucked it up thinking that I could survive being her friend but it turns out that isn't the case. Months pass and our conversations seem to heat up. Sex becomes a factor, dreams become more frequent. The girl is a tease and a damn good one. But I didn't complain I loved it, she was turning me into something I had always wished I was. Giving me confidence in what I could do to please her.

But we all know how this turned out or I wouldn't be writing this right now heh. I have one major flaw, I don't know when to keep my mouth shut. All this pent up emotion, lust, and whatnot mixed in a blender with a few shots of tequila, brought out of me what had to have been the most sexually oriented piece of writing I have ever made. And I mean seriously the things I said were not me at all. Well she didn't like it. And for what could be the last time I get them words from here she said, "I just want to tell you that I'm flattered but we're just friends. That message really scared me not gunna lie." My reply... "But I'm going to be honest I can't be your friend. Since I don't want to bend my friends over and fuck them." (I have to thank the creator of the ladder theory for that line, I couldn't help but use it.)

But no I never leave it there. She wanted to continue the friendship, and had I been back before I met her, I would have probably fallen for that shit again. But no, I learned that this was unhealthy. The sex dreams, always wanting to make her happy, not worrying about my own emotions, all while listening to her talk about other guys, how good looking they are, and whatnot. I do regret this just a bit, but now there is no point in fighting it. It's done. She brought me to new heights. Made me realize that I am a fun person, with a sexual drive (yeah thought I had lost that for a bit), who is willing to go the distance to please. And most of all, she made me realize that I can't play games with people, I need to stand up and show my true colors up front. So yeah FUCK this friendship business. So my advice to everyone, don't belittle yourself, there is a hidden animal deep inside just waiting to come out. So try hard and be honest to yourself and the person your trying to get with. Once you hit the whole friendship zone, its almost impossible to jump across.

Completely Out of the Ordinary Post

I need to catch up with all the stuff that has happened to me as of late. First off I have to say that I am probably the dumbest individual right next to Gus and Daniel. But more on that later, lets talk about my love life first. None existent... I had 4 girls in my life who I could honestly say I am/was crazy over. Lets work our way chronologically up the ladder.

First the one that is probably the cause of all my traumatic experiences, and the one I will probably never get out of my head cause she is in my eyes the one who still holds my heart. Got to love how the first one never seems to leave. Then there is the attraction I have towards a girl who has been in a relationship with one of my acquaintances for more then 3-4 years, but the guy is a dog, she does feel something for me, but since she loves her boyfriend nothing will ever happen. The fact that she lives on an island far the fuck from me doesn't help either. Then there is... The one that has managed to prove my mother right. Fuck I wished I never had to say that once. No matter how attractive you are, if you have a negative attitude in life, people will avoid you and lose interest in you. Seems we do smell failure, depression, and the lack of wanting to do something for ourselves, and that just doesn't fly when it comes to an emotional attraction.

Now the last one on the list is the most interesting of all. As I have already figured out I am not bad when it comes to writing poems, yeah a little gay I know. I have written a few if not all my poems about women, my hopes and dreams with them. But not once I have ever written one as vivid and full of lust as this one. Sadly the fucking thing ended up foretelling the future, in the end I woke up alone. She is a great person, full of life, a little on the crazy side but we all are, and has a two things I have yet to see in someone that I have gone ape shit for, if she has something to say she says it and we have very similar taste. Now where did I go wrong? You could say I was slow, and all together just not on the right state of mind, or maybe just over-read the situation and became one sided. But basically Someone else beat me to the punch. I would love to say I am going to move on from this little set back, but fuck there is just something about her.

Now to me being an idiot. I am finally putting some thought into the events I have been part of. And I can officially say that I am like that retarded guy people deal with but don't want him around because all he does is cause some sort of problem. Think Lennie Small from "Of Mice and Men." Now who plays George in my fucked up version of the book? I am going to have to say Chris. He is actually 100% that character. Now why do I say that? Well its like this, if it wasn't for him I would have probably done the one thing I would forever regret and never be able to take back. A one way ticket to become compost . He has been by my side ever since that day we met in a computer programming class that was taught by Mrs Charters. Anyways Somewhere around 11 years of friendship. After carefully assessing this time, and know what not just my friendship with him also my relationships fall under this. I have done more harm to this person by pure impulses, then anything I could do to someone out of spite.

It eats me up inside to know that I am in reality not good for anyone around me. Even after knowing that these people have never once wished some sort of misfortune on me. Sadly I also realized that if I don't want to end up like Lennie and I don't mean dead by the hands of my guardian, but more like causing loneliness, sadness, and just plain regret to anyone in my path and then later have them wanting to save me from wanting to put me to sleep to save me from feeling a more horrible kind of pain. Yeah you can thank my damn 11th grade English teacher, Mrs. McIntyre (Fuck don't remember how to write her name), for drilling that book into my mind, but it shows the struggles we all eventually go through, so not a bad experience.

I am writing this mostly to get things off my chest but also to apologize and say goodbye to one person in particular, and all the people he has managed to bring into my life. Had it not been for him I probably would have been worst then I am now, and I am one hell of a social late bloomer, hell still haven't come out of my shell. I am still wondering if this is the right thing to do, but I am running out of options as like I said all I do is bring him more issues then anything else. I sometimes wonder why he has put up with me this long, and the only answer I give myself to stop the drilling is that he probably sees me as a younger brother who can't help but make mistakes. Well I am out, I need to wash my face as writing this has caused salty liquid substance to come out of my eyes and nose. Plus I need to vegetate with WWII.

Meeting

As the night engulfs the man made noise
The stars imitate the prismatic effects of diamonds
as the queen of the night gives them their source of power
The only sound being heard is the clashing of the waves
as the land and ocean embrace each other.

The mood is set, the atmosphere intoxicating
Our silent peaceful eyes meet
Hiding the thoughts and imagination of our hearts
Pulling us closer, slowly controlling our movements

My hand slowly moving up to the nape of your neck
Sensing the drumming of your heart
The rhythm of its beats becoming more savage
Being joined by the steady melody of your soul
As it escapes from your lips.

My eyes travel back and forth
between the new elements that enter their sight
The rosy lips glistened by your lip gloss
and further coated by the dew drops of your tongue

Seconds turn into an eternal moment
As our lips engage each other
Sharp sparks travel through my spine
Causing the need to gasp for air
But restraining movement, continuing the embrace

The temperature rises
our tongues digging their ways into the other's trench
Wanting to join each other in one dance
A lambada that will not be soon forgotten

Our breaths become one
My vision blurry with lust
Slowly fading from this site
Everything becoming black
As my eyes once again open up
To meet an empty spot
In the corner of life.

Unnamed #1

Always wondering about the outcome of my actions
Never really moving anywhere in my paths
Wishing for greater things for everyone
Not thinking about my own
But always knowing what I want

Watching people move by
Increasing their potential in life
Opening doors that they once thought where close
And still not moving to far away
Still working on colorful mornings

I do not want to move
Staying still wishing I could for once just sit
Enjoying the company of the person next to me
Wanting to make her life part of mine
Creating a new path to walk on

I found someone who makes me alive
With her smile and the brightness of her eyes
Her thoughts sending sparks through my mind
Spending time with her brings me joy
Creating a crescent moon on the face of this little boy

Animating my heart
making it beat on different tempos
Creating rhythms that are not possible play
With each movement of her hips
The beginning of the song

Attractiveness is a factor you complain about
Loneliness is a fear for both of us
Trust is an issue we can't truly control
But are we not enjoying each other's company
Are we lost in a fake loop of insanity

I want to stop time in its place
Or at least have the opportunity to spend one day with you
Giving you everything I have to give
Earning the right to spend another day with you
Spreading smiles in our lives

Wonders of the Past

Having lost your love
half a century ago
My mind froze itself
with anger and hope
while time became unforgiving

Many days of sorrow
wishing for a sign of life
wanting to move on
but never taking a path
with a rightful thought

Meetings come and happen
Feelings rise again
Happiness blinding my judgment
Wanting to fix mistakes
But maybe you have changed

Forgetting to consider your feelings
Analyzing everything one sided
I worked myself to something different
Showing me a glimpse of a new world
Something I always wondered about

Saying things without thinking
No comprehension of the consequences
With fear and anxiety on my back
I declared myself a villain
And lost now your friendship

Carefully now thinking about my actions
I wonder if it can be taken back
Just to beg for an opportunity
To have the chance to continue to rise
But for myself this time

Your advice and opinion are unmatched
And sadly I do not wish it to go away
But this time I am now sure of my future
Dreams of you reciprocating my feelings
Are no longer part of reality

So I ask you this favor
Give me one more chance
But with an exception to the arrangement
That we be truthful with each other
Clearing the misinterpretations of our thoughts

All this I do because of my goals
To bring prosperity to my life
Happiness and well being to my soul
While sharing the joys with those around me
Specially those I call my friends.

Closure

I knew what the outcome would be
So did everyone else
But I did not want to give up
My hopes were the only thing holding me
Keeping my mind in the past

Now after all the tears were shed
After hearing your final declaration
And my words of desperation
Left my heart for their final time
I am finally healing my wounds

I will forever have a place for you in my heart
That will never change
But I have to accept reality
You are nothing more then a friend
One wishing for a better version of who I am

So I thank you
For closing the chapter of my life
Writing the words needed to heal me
Now till I am truly well
I want to say I hope to see you down the road

Rambling Thoughts

Waking up every morning
With thoughts of our past
Visions of your tears
Rivers of sweat running down my spine
Wishing they were just nocturnal horrors

Years have passed since that time
Everything has changed
Yet nothing at all
Living in the past
I still wonder why

Things happen for a reason
I do understand that much
But still I wish they were different
I know I don't have much
But it's still worth the fight

Much I have to learn
Just to treat her right
Gentle I am not, and least of a man
But I have already learned what makes her cry
Hopefully now I can make her truly smile

Having her in my arms once more
Never wanting to let go
Hearing the giggles from inside
Not just hers but mine as well
Happy moments that should have always been there

But fear is in my mind
Terrors that could always arise
Friendship is something scary
And time holds the cards
Hoping my mind can last

I am getting close to losing my composure
Losing the battle in my mind
Making the same mistakes
Wanting to just not exist when I argue
Losing to the urges of wanting her

No longer do I understand
Which way this is heading
Every time we talk I feel like I am dieing
Feel like I am causing her more problems
Something I don't wish to do

What are my options
Which are my paths
I beg of you show me some compassion
Help me make this right
Give me a hint about where to step next

Preguntas en el Aire

Mirando fotos por una computadora
No poder ver tu sonrisa a mi lado
Ni oír tu voz
solo viendo letras escritas en la pantalla

Sueños de un futuro contigo
Sentados uno con el otro
Hablando de cualquier cosa
Solo para volver a la realidad

Un mar separándonos
Mi sangre haciendo una pared
Solo mas cosas que debo superar
Para ver que haré para ganar

Pero miedo tengo
Que esto sea falso
Que solamente sea yo
Y tu no quieras lo mismo

Así yo te pido un favor
Ayuda me decidir
Si me supero por ti
O sigo viviendo solamente por mi

No se que mas decir
Escribo estas palabras sin saber lo que dicen
Pero entiendo que estoy confundido
Porque me as cambiado lo que era real